Ally With The Rain

It was raining again, drizzling rain. I had planned to go out for a morning walk, but with the rain, I was having second thoughts. Maybe I should wait until the afternoon? Maybe the rain will stop, but I know most likely, it won’t.

After some restlessness, I put on a hood and walked out of the door. It was uncomfortable. Cloudy, rainy, and cold. However, after hiking up the hill for 20 minutes, I started to enjoy the fresh air, the temperament winter and the occasional sun that peaked out the clouds. The rain was still there. I could see it, but I could hardly feel it, nor was I bothered by it. I was cheerful.

This time, the rain did not control me. My fear of the rain did not control me. I chose to face my fear and leaned into the discomfort; I chose to ally with the rain instead of avoidance. I felt free and empowered.

I wonder, what are the other “Rain”s in my life? What am I avoiding because of the fear of the discomfort? What am I trying to avoid feeling?

Headaches? Boredom? Disappointment? Failure?  Refusal? Abandonment? Heartaches? Emotional exposure? Vulnerability? The Truth?

But when I choose to ally with avoidance instead of the “Rain”, I’ve also chosen to stay away from Joy, Growth, Connection, Compassion, Love, Authenticity, Reality and ultimately, LIFE.

Redefining Failures and Successes

The discussion topic at the Seattle Shambhala Meditation Center last week was “What do failures and successes mean to you?”

I have been redefining failures and successes in the past few years since my divorce and the brain injury. Both had altered my life dramatically.

Prior to these two life events, success to me, meant to be successful in career, marriage, and life; to be perfect, once and for all. When I failed this definition of success, pain along with my resistance to the pain took over me. Because Pain x Resistance= Suffering, unquestionably, I was suffering.

However, when I lived with the pain and suffering for some time, I started to see that the pain was providing me invaluable information. It allowed me to see my old patterns and my false expectations to life. My pain was a teacher that I never expected, and it was a brilliant one.

From then on, my definition for failures and successes changed.

It is no longer about “succeeding” once and for all, instead, it is about having the strengths and courage to get up and try again after failing. My failures aren’t about useless suffering any more, they are my gateways to resiliency. I failed before and will fail again, but that doesn’t make me a failure. It makes resilient. 

Don’t know mind

I had been doing my vision therapy religiously. My blurred vision, headaches, and fatigue had all been reduced. I was thrilled! I’d found the key to my recovery, the answer to all the mystery, the 20% of the efforts that yield to 80% of the results!

Then, one day, after a morning walk, my blurred vision came back, along with the headaches and fatigue. It was the same walk I’ve been taking. I hadn’t missed my vision therapy in the morning and not for weeks. What went wrong?

I thought I had found the answer, but now, I don’t know…

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Homemade eczema cream with shea butter and beeswax

When I don’t pace well with my activities, I’ll get headaches; When I don’t do yoga and PT, I’ll get physical stiffness and pain; When I don’t meditate, I’ll get emotional chaos. Just kidding, even when I meditate, I can still get emotional chaos pastedGraphic.png.  When I didn’t lotion my hands, I got itch rash on them.

After waking up in the unbearable burning itch on my hands for a while, I went to the doctor. “It looks like Eczama.” She said. “ What?!” I didn’t want to believe it, but when I think about it. My hands have been very dry and ignored. During this travel and transition time, I lost my good habit of keep my skin moisturized.

Life is like that. We think we are immune to all the human sufferings and illnesses, until it happens to us. Now I’ve joined a new club-The eczema club. Continue reading “Homemade eczema cream with shea butter and beeswax”

Cats and Myers-Briggs Personality Types

Hello, my name is Cricket and this is my profile picture for United when I flew across the county.

I’m a sweet, gentle, loving, considerate, highly sensitive introverted girl. In fact, I’m an INFP(Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception)according to the Myers & Briggs personality type.

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After two months and two days after I left my two cats in Vermont, we finally reunited!

I left Vermont 2 weeks before my lease was due. I was hoping that I could find a new apartment in two weeks, so that my cats can come right before my lease was due. During those two weeks, they stayed at my old apartment and my friend Brian’s friends Matt & Colleen who happen to live close by, were taking care of them for me. Then my lease was due, and they couldn’t stay there any longer. Brian was so kind that he took them in to his apartment even though he has some nonfatal allergic reactions to cats. Time passed by fast, my relocating-to-do list kept growing before I could finally check the “Ship my Cats” box, two weeks turned into two months, so here we are. 

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Meditation and mTBI recovery

I listened to the interview that neuroscientist Dr. David Vago had with Dan Harris on the 10% happier podcast this week. Dr. David Vago said “Our mind’s default mode network is mind wondering and distraction. Most of the times, when we are distracted, we start moving into these narratives about ourselves, or about the past, or reflecting on something negative typically, or worrying or fantasizing into the future.” This was very nice to hear, so after all, I’m not alone. I’m in good company. My mind goes to the default mode a lot and it’s normal apparently, since it is called “ The default Mode.”

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Car Hunting-Final and where are they from?

I was on my way to a walk in the park nearby, a beautiful looking sedan caught my eye. My gaze followed it until I saw the logo on the back, then I had a grin on my face. Yes, it is the same car as I have! Yes, I bought a car and I love it! It is also true that once you bought your car, you started seeing it everywhere. 

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Where are you from?

People often ask me, “Where are you from?” It seems like a simple and common question that’s often been asked when you meet people for the first time. But I wish I have a cut and dried answer like, I’m from NY,  the Midwest, Texas and I live in Vermont now; or I’m a 4th generation Vermonter or Seattleites; or I’m from Beijing or Taiwan. And that will be it.

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Car Hunting-Part 3

I’m on my own. The Nissan Dealership is not helpful. I need to do more research and first I needed to get the internet hooked up in my apartment. By practicing minimalism, I was trying to see if I could live without internet at home. I tried for a week and it didn’t work. I don’t live close to a public library. The closest one is 2.5 miles away. I don’t have a car and there isn’t a convenient bus route. I wouldn’t mind walking there if it is pedestrian friendly, but it is not. I need internet at home and now I know for sure that it will add value in my life. 

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